The way things are

Life is a really hard game. The pieces keep falling out of those teeny little cars!

Monday, July 30, 2007

For no reason

It's been a few days. Friday and Saturday weren't very good. I was incredibly irritable with a horrible headache. I have no idea why. I still can't figure out why every little thing was upsetting me. That in itself is irritating.

I was much better yesterday--again, for no reason that I could pinpoint. Sacrament meeting was good, but the rest of the day wasn't anything special. In fact, I think I paid even less attention than usual. Then I spent almost five hours at the stake center playing a synthesizer for a youth choir practice and then performance.

I'm not sure how I am today. Gogie called me early this morning and it was nice to talk to him. Then I slept in for a while and took my time getting ready. I'm not in a bad mood, but I'm not particularly jolly either.

I suppose I just need to control my emotions better or something. Hopefully hanging out with Master P later will cheer me up.


Thursday, July 26, 2007

Not quite as expected

My previous expectations for the summer: Go home. Love it for a maximum of two weeks. Get annoyed with family. Suffer the rest of the summer missing life in Provo. Return to Provo.

How it has actually gone: I've loved being home way more than I had anticipated, and for much longer. I haven't gotten sick of my family; on the contrary, I love spending time with them. The really weird thing is that I'm starting to miss Provo, not because I'm sick of my family, but because I actually miss it.

With a few exceptions, I haven't been very good at keeping in contact with my Provo friends. I have plenty of friends here, which I also had not anticipated. And I keep busy with two jobs. But it's just not the same. I miss the routine of Provo. I miss the people I usually saw on a regular basis. I miss going to Zupas, coming home to my little apartment, chatting with my roommates, staying out really late... I miss the groups of people I hung out with.

Life here is fabulous, but it's different. I just suddenly have this feeling I'm getting into a routine here that I don't like as much as my routine there. Slightly depressing.

The Native called me today. We haven't been talking as much as we used to, which is fine because we both know our friendship is to the point where pretty much nothing could affect it negatively, but it was a pleasant surprise nonetheless. Hearing his voice was so normal; I didn't realize how much I have missed him the past couple of weeks. He told me about the latest girl that foisted her number upon him, and we played with the idea of him telling her he just doesn't like girls. I'm supposed to call him tomorrow and I really look forward to it.

I think talking to him just confirmed what I have been feeling all day--I was very happy with my life in Provo. Coming home was definitely necessary, and I'm glad I did it, but I think I'm just ready to come back.

August 18th. Three weeks and one day.


I miss you guys.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Conversations with Handsome

Handsome: Why would you ever read a book if it wasn't for fun?
Stephalumpagus: Maybe because books aren't always meant for entertainment purposes. Why do you read the Book of Mormon?
Handsome: Ahh....because....the Book of Mormon is fun.
Stephalumpagus: [laughing, with heavy sarcasm] Right. Like you aren't just trying to make excuses.

Handsome: Could you die from eating too many brownies?
Stephalumpagus: You could die from eating too much anything.
Handsome: No, but not from your stomach exploding or whatever. I mean, could you die from that much sugar or fat?
Stephalumpagus: I don't know.
Handsome: Hmm I wonder how long you could last on an island with only brownies...

Friday, July 20, 2007


This whole blogging business is sort of weird sometimes. I like to know people are reading, and I like to get feedback. When I don't want anyone to read what I'm feeling, I post on my secret blog where no one will read it.

There are some days when I can't decide if I want people to know what I'm feeling. There might be specific people that I hope will read it. And yet, I don't always want the entire blogging community to read it because I don't want everyone to be alarmed.

I could just talk to those specific people privately. But then again, seeking them out to speak to might make the situation seem more drastic than it is. I just want to voice my random thoughts and not worry about people worrying about me.

Hmm. Maybe I need to start a whole new blog--one that is completely anonymous, but one that people actually read. Not today, but perhaps soon. Perhaps. Of course I wouldn't get rid of this blog either...

Okay now I'm just rambling. Time to go.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

My house

This house soothes me. I love looking out into our backyard--it's beautiful. The sun was going down behind the palm trees and Josh Groban was singing on the stereo that is my brain. Now it's all dark and the many (MANY) clocks we have are tick-ticking away. I can hear the TV on in my parents' room upstairs. My eyelids are slightly droopy.

I was supposed to go see a movie with Char and Cuorderoy, but early in the day I knew I would be in no mood for that. So I apologized and told them something had come up. I got a few things done that I had been meaning to do--emailed my old piano teacher that had somehow found me on MySpace, practiced piano, checked my Facebook, called the Native--so I feel like I was productive.

Sometimes I wish time would go by faster. Not because I want the summer to be over, or because I'm sick of my family, but because there are some things that just need time. I can be very impatient, and I think that has something to do with this. I just want to know what's going to happen in my life. I don't want to wait.

I surprised myself today by being incredibly patient.

In spite of this soothing house, and my eyelids drooping, I'm a little bit lonely tonight. That's not a plea for comments or emails or phone calls. It's just a statement.

I think I'll go have some ice cream.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

I actually have girlfriends out here

Swinger, a friend from high school, was in town this week so we went out to dinner one night. It was actually fun chatting about boys and college and just being girly. I don't do that very often, mostly because I get sick of it, but it's really fun once in a while. Swinger has turned into a complete party girl and I was cracking up about it. My favorite thing she said was, "I have a couple of Mormon girls that are my closest friends in Arizona. And then I have a group of girls to go party with. But they're just a bunch of whores."

Friday after work, Tappy and I went to see Puccini and BlueHair perform at my favorite bakery/cafe downtown. They were fabulous, as usual, and we saw a bunch of old friends from Sylvan Singers, including Fotchachartchay, which was great because I miss having black friends. Puccini had to stay to watch the next girl perform. So Tappy and I explored the Creek Walk, wondering why it was such a popular place to be on a Friday night. We played at the park for a bit, reminiscing about our childhood adventures at this park. Puccini was supposed to practice a song with us after the cafe gig was over, and we were still waiting for him, so we went to Jamba Juice and talked about our romance lives. I get way cuter texts than she does and she's jealous. Haha.

We gave up on Puccini and decided to practice today instead. I took Tappy home and saw Muffin in her car on the way. She invited me to get dessert but I was tired so I declined. I came home and finished a movie with Dad and Harry Potter, went online, and then talked to Gogie on the phone. Now that I think of it, I don't know if it was exactly in that order, but whatever. I fell asleep reading the sixth Harry Potter book.

My little kids had their performances today. They did really well and I had a lot of fun getting them all to sign my program. They are hilarious and I'm glad many of them are returning for the Carnival camp we're starting on Monday. And then I got paid, which is always happy. I beat Guitar Hero on hard today, so then I started on expert and got pretty far. Also I read a lot. Now I'm trying to plan a possible Disneyland trip with Cuorderoy.

I'm tired. But doing well.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Yes I'm doing it too---8 Gay Mormon Facts (although I'm not gay so I suppose this is just 8 Mormon facts...Meh. Lame. How about just 8 random facts?)

Salad and Drex tagged me so here it goes.

1. All of my fingers, especially my pinkies, turn inward. I think this is from playing the harp, but I don't really know. It could just be a deformity.
2. I'm a hardcore nerd. I think guys with glasses are cute, I love math, I'm always hesitant to ditch class, and until I got to college I had never gotten less than an A in a class. Total bookworm, and I love to analyze little things. Oh and I'm in a handbell choir.
3. I have a really hard time making decisions. The thought of making a wrong decision leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth so I just remain indecisive. The Jerman calls me on it all the time.
4. For some reason I have an affinity for gay people (and Salad). Big surprise, I know. I hecka love and miss you all and I love reading your blogs (which I do read, by the by, even if I don't comment).
5. I almost ran over a homeless man last week. So not my fault--he stepped out in the middle of the highway and decided to wander around.
6. Very few people have ever seen me angry. I'm almost 100% sure none of you bloggers have seen me mad, unless we count the Native who doesn't really blog anymore. However, during my fourth year of girls' camp I made these two girls cry because I yelled at them. I felt so bad I apologized about a half hour later though. It worked out.
7. Of the women in my immediate family, I am the shortest and have the largest feet.
8. Not that I've been diagnosed or anything, but I'm pretty sure I have a little bit of OCD. Sometimes I get really irritated when things aren't done the way I think they should be done. I love things that are contained (AtP and I got way too excited over those citrus dishwasher packets and how amazingly contained they are) and I love buying cleaning products. I don't believe in dirty dishes, and I love organizing things.

I'm too lazy too tag people because I want to go to sleep. But I hope to see a few more of these around because they're fun to read.

A head-scratching day

I was really tired at the Center today even though I got more sleep than usual. The little kids were sort of crazy and somehow I was left alone with all of them. Being tired combined with my sometimes-more-than-slight OCD and their craziness didn't really put me in a good mood. I wanted to scream at them all. After lunch we started a tech rehearsal though and things calmed down. Puccini gave me a massage without me even asking, and although it was only about 30 seconds long it made me feel so much better. Then we played games with the kids and I actually had a really fun time. They're adorable.

I was home for less than an hour and then I was off to the movies. Not to enjoy myself--to work. It was my first day back in about a year, so only one girl knew me. Everyone else treated me like I was brand new and had no idea what I was doing. I ignored them and was satisfied by showing off my light-speed cashiering skills and whipping through huge lines. I was pretty surprised at how much I remembered, and I caught on to the new things pretty quick. Ariana, the girl that knew me, luckily, was a manager so I had one cool person to hang out with and who actually trusted me with certain jobs. I was pretty annoyed when one of the chiefs of staff gently reprimanded me when I had been doing something productive. I would have died if it weren't for Ariana.

By the time I got off (thank goodness I wasn't closing), my back and my feet were pretty achy, which is normal when you're working at Brenden Theaters. And I felt really greasy. When I got in the car, I checked my phone. A dear friend of mine had something really upsetting happen to her and I was worried but she said she was too upset to talk. So we'll talk tomorrow. I really hadn't seen this coming, so it was kind of weird. And then another person I had texted just two hours before was unable to talk to me tonight. I didn't mind at all, but I wonder what happened.

So I drove home wondering about these things, and luckily my wondering somehow prevented me from speeding like I usually do. The person behind me got pulled over as I was almost home and I realized I had lucked out because I wasn't really paying attention to how fast I was going.

Mom was playing Guitar Hero as usual. I washed up then Facebooked. And now I'm suddenly exhausted. Tomorrow is Friday and I'm sort of excited about it, mostly because I have nothing to do after work. Relaxing sounds so heavenly right now.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Being spiritual

Before I came home, I wasn't really happy with where I was spiritually. I went to church and actually enjoyed it more than my previous ward, but I still just wasn't really paying attention. So I got myself back into good scripture-reading habits and I was doing all right, but I still just felt like going to church required way too much energy and that it was usually really boring.

Coming home was nice. My first Sunday back was lovely, and I definitely felt the Spirit stronger. But my praying habits sort of got really patchy, and I completely stopped reading the scriptures. It wasn't anything drastic--I was still really happy with my life--but yesterday I noticed.

Nothing specifically happened, but I was driving home from having a good time, and I was suddenly sad. I couldn't figure out why, but I just kept thinking about people I'm worried about, or little things in my life that I'm still not sure of...

The thought occurred to me: Have you prayed about it? No. In fact, I haven't been praying about much lately, I haven't been getting much out of church, and I haven't been reading my scriptures either. In fact, I've basically just been completely neglecting everything spiritual. Well there you go--no wonder you're sad. Facepalm.

As soon as I got home, I read my scriptures and said a mega long prayer. Then I called Gogie and we chatted for a while, so by the time I fell asleep I was feeling quite the opposite of sad.

I paid attention in church today. Okay, I did goof off a little during sacrament meeting with Twitchy, and I spaced off once during Sunday School (I don't know why I love to daydream so much), but I felt the Spirit and listened to the lessons. I actually enjoyed Relief Society, even though I was one of nine people there.

Driving home, I thought about it. Nothing about church today was spectacular or life-changing. But my attitude about it was so much better, and it made a huge difference. I had been neglecting something that was really important. It was like I hadn't washed my hair for a long time--I can live without doing it, but life is SO MUCH BETTER if I do.

And who would have thunk? It feels good.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007


I've always lived in Vacaville, but until the first grade I lived in what is now dubbed the Old House. I only remember a couple of random things about that house--what the pool "shark" looked like, for instance. Anyway...

The Old House was at the end of a cul de sac, upon which was a wall that separated our street from the street on the other side. There was a little opening in this wall large enough to walk through to the other side. During the summer months, we had swarms (is this the correct term?) of frogs in our yard, many of which would swim around in our pool. They weren't hard to catch, so we would entertain ourselves by taking them through the wall and throwing them into the street on the other side. I suppose this was sort of inhumane, but the frogs looked so funny when they had been run over--like in cartoons when characters get flattened. The only difference was that there would be a wet spot surrounding the flattened frog. Yeah I know that's gross, but we were children.

We used to play with Beanie Babies all the time. Sharky would sing the signal into the intercom and we'd gather upstairs. It wasn't uncommon for our Barbie vehicles and furniture doubled for Beanie Babies toys. We were obsessed with those things--we had many "rare" Beanie Babies that were supposedly worth hundreds of dollars. I think they go for a couple of bucks a piece now on eBay. Figures.

Sharky had this life-sized stuffed pig that she lovingly named Wilbur. Topher and Handsome once kidnapped it and rolled it down the stairs. Sharky cried.

Once when Handsome was misbehaving, we shoved him into the storage room and shut the door. He yelled and cried and banged on the door begging us to let him out. The Rents came and scolded us for locking him in. Our response was that we didn't lock the door--if he would just try the handle he would be free. I think they laughed at that and just left him in there. Later when he was misbehaving we would threaten to put him in "The Room" and he would suddenly be a perfect angel.

I think we were meanest to Handsome. He was the youngest sibling for six years, and then Harry Potter was too young to pick on. Once, at a beach in Hawaii, Handsome's eyes turned red from the salt water. We started chanting "Red-eye Handsome" (his real name lends a better ring to the chant) over and over, but Sharky and Topher had just started learning Spanish in school, so they changed it to "Ojo rojo Handsome." I don't know why he got so mad about it, but his anger only encouraged us, and the name stuck for quite some time.

Handsome's real name is such that it's really easy to slip it into almost any song or jingle. It was irresistable--he would get so mad about it, even though the songs were rarely insulting. It got to the point that we could even hum the tune to one of the songs and he'd get angry. For some reason we thought that was hilarious.

My dad has always been really big on oldies. He made us listen to them as we grew up, and I'd have to admit that I still love them. He used to turn them on in the living room, and we'd all sing and dance to them, jumping off chairs and such. I'm very fond of those scraps of memory. We have a couple of home videos of us dancing. One was to Weird Al's "Fat"-- we stuffed pillows in our clothes and then ran into everything we could, including each other. Another one of the videos includes us rocking out in our sunglasses to "We Built This City On Rock and Roll." So much fun.

If someone were to ask me what my very favorite memory is, it would probably be a muddle of memories that fall into one category: playing games with the family. During holidays especially, we would stay up to the wee hours of the night playing board and card games. We had this old game called Stop Thief that we'd play all the time. And Rook. Rook is pretty much THE Pedersen game. I don't remember being taught how to play--we just grew up learning it until we were all masters. Rook wasn't just something we played at home--whenever extended family was around, we'd play it because every one of them were masters as well.

Even though we're all older now, we continue to play games. When the kids come home from college, when we eat Sunday dinner at Grandma's house, or when the aunts come out to visit, we spend hours playing six-handed Rook and every other card game that can be played with Rook cards. It's my favorite thing to do with my family because when we're playing, we're laughing an spending time together doing something we all love. Whoever I marry is going to have to be a game-lover because he just won't fit in if he isn't. And I plan on raising some little Rook-players of my own.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. I guess it's just fun to reminisce. I don't know how entertaining it was for my readers... *Shrug*

Feelings I Hate

In no particular order.

1. Feeling like I have to entertain someone. Why the heck are you just sitting on my couch looking bored? I don't know what to do with you!!!
2. That incredible awkwardness when there is a conflict and both parties have to have the last word. Just give it up! It's not worth it to sit there and cuss each other out. Get over it and get on with your life!
3. The stress of being in a hurry. And all accompanying feelings: irritability, fear of not making it, exhaustion from going going going, etc.
4. The lameness of referring to an inside joke that the other person doesn't remember, or telling a joke that no one gets. And then having to explain it all, watch the person think it through, and then know that when they laugh it is just out of politeness.
5. That greasy feeling that comes with the knowledge that you just ate a day's worth of calories in a single sitting. And then you just want to vomit. Or eat some carrots.
6. Vomiting. Maybe that's not a feeling, but the feeling I get just after vomiting is one of the worst I can think of. Glad I haven't done it in about seven years.
7. The sudden inability to carry on a conversation when with extended family. I don't know why this is so hard. My mind just goes blank and I just sit there and stare at everyone.

I'm not sure why I made this list. It's fun to think about I suppose.

Sunday, July 01, 2007


...I know exactly why I'm friends with people.

Stephalumpagus: My dad is making me read this Dean Koontz book. I hope it's good.
Pound: Does it have a cool cover?
S: It's white with a blue hazy face. "FEAR NOTHING is the title, and the San Francisco Examiner says, "FEAR NOTHING WILL MAKE YOU FEAR ALMOST EVERYTHING."
P: It has a cool title and some neato headlines, so it will probably be the most amazing novel ever written.
S: I suppose.
P: The excitement probably runs deeper than previously charted by man.
S: Then why haven't you read it?
P: Because I'm a loser. And I can't read.
S. Oh yeah that's right.


Pound: Did I tell you I got a brand new car?
S: No! Do tell!
P: I just did. I got a new car.
S: I mean tell me about the car.
P: Oh.
P: Well it's a 2007 Nissan blah blah blah, black, manual.
S: Sounds sexy. Probably not as sexy as my grandma car though.
P: I used to have a grandma car too! It still smelled like old lady.
S: Mmm...mine doesn't...thank goodness.
P: Oh. That's too bad.
P: You could fix that. Just spill baby powder and old lady perfume under the seats.
S: I think I'll pass.
P: It's okay. It's not for everyone.