80's Dancing

Highlights from a lovely evening with Brady, Gimple, YellowSocks (Brady's very cool younger brother), Glee, Hidden, and some random girls that were actually pretty cool.

Everyone looked fabulous. Even in my hideous outfit I was not overdressed. Gimple sported a half-vest and sweatband, Hidden had an afro, and various neon shoelaces were everywhere.

The music was wonderful to dance to. It seemed clear to me that Gimple's purpose in life is solely to 80's dance. Glee was also a fabulous dancer. I told him I was in love with him and that we should be friends. He was delighted. I got to dance with Gimple, Hidden, and Brady, which was tons of fun for me.

Downstairs there was some "gothic" dancing going on, and at Hidden's request Brady and I went down there for a few minutes (mostly for the air conditioning). It was fun though and Hidden impressed me with his very fluid dancing.

At some point in the evening I told Brady he doesn't dance gay. He misheard me and thought I said he doesn't dance good (which is improper grammar but I suppose it was a valid mistake because the music was quite loud). So he was politely offended and didn't understand when I told him it was a good thing. A little while later we cleared up the misunderstanding and with relief he took my observation for a compliment.

Some couple told the DJ they were engaged. So he dedicated a song to them and gave them some advice: "As a happy divorcee I urge you to think long and hard about this decision." After the song he announced he had a wedding present for them: his attorney's phone number, just in case.

Last, but not least, I have to thank Brady for taking me as his date. It was one of the funnest (most fun?) dates I've ever been on, and he was a perfect gentleman. He always stayed with me and danced with me and didn't mind giving me plenty of hugs even though we were both disgustingly sweaty. When I needed a drink or some air, he'd grab my hand and lead the way, and he even lied to me and told me I didn't look bad in spite of my sweatiness. We were even going to go to Vegas afterward so we could get married but we forgot. Maybe another time. I love you Brady.

It was a fantastic night. Now we just need to have a bonfire so I can burn that dress. Takers?

Dream

Two [cute] guys asked me for my number. One was a moving guy (courtesy of me watching Seinfeld last night) and the other was just some guy in a crowded place. Details are fuzzy but it was a good dream nonetheless.

Shopping

So Gimple and Brady convinced me to go 80's dancing with them this Thursday. Brady, who just got to Provo yesterday, called me today to go shopping at DI for 80's apparel. Gimple and new friend Glee were there too. There was much laughter as we explored the men's department, and even more laughter when we got to the women's. There were some fabulous dresses, two of which I modeled for my dear friends, and one of which I ended up purchasing for Thursday night. Now I just need shoes.

We decided to go to Costa Vida for lunch (so good!) and Brady rode with me in my car. We walked hand-in-hand into the restaurant to find Gimple and Glee, also hand-in-hand (I love them for this!!!). "Look at those gay guys!!!" Brady exclaimed, causing both of us to burst into giggles and almost miss our chance to order our food. Unfortunately, neither Gimple nor Glee heard Brady's comment, but we filled them in later.

Brady proposed to me in line even though we were already engaged. I said yes of course--we are madly in love. It was delightful to see him again.

They promised to call me tonight. In the mean time, I decided to be an adult and apply for a job. Now that that's done, I'm going to have a popsicle.

A post

I've been sort of bored, and haven't had much to say. Things are just moving slowly and I'm actually getting anxious for school to start. Or for someone to call and hang out with me.

Nah I've hung out with people. Just not as much as I usually do. I suppose that's because a lot of my friends still aren't in Provo. That will be changing quickly enough.

I can't quite place it, but there's this smell floating just around my desk area that reminds me of a cheap brand of men's cologne. Now, I haven't had any boys in here, and I certainly don't wear cheap men's cologne, but I still smell it. It's not an awful smell, but I just wonder how it came to exist and why it only stays near my desk.

Sunday school was interesting today. The teacher's name was actually Nephi, and he was pretty laid back. The row of boys behind us was goofing off the entire time, and this one guy in our row made some cynical comment about how people with charity don't let him wallow in sadness when he wants to. He mentioned that his roommate was one of those people, always commenting on how beautiful the flowers and the butterflies are. Jenni Bean suggested to me there might be a few questions he should ask his roommate. All we needed for Sunday school to be complete was AtP sitting with us to laugh loudly and make "snarky" comments.

I made a list of things I need to do tomorrow--there are only three things, and one of them is optional. I sort of hope it's raining so I can go for a walk in the rain. If not, I plan on going to the park on 8th north to read for as long as I feel like it.

Feel free to drop by/call me/IM me at any time. It would probably make my day.

I didn't get up until noon today...

...and yet I want to take a nap.

I really need to do better with my sleep schedule.

Also

I made a new friend today.

I have a roll of bubble wrap and I have no idea what to do with it.

AtP was supposed to call me--not the other way around.

I forgive AtP because we had fun today.

I'm going to saran wrap the Masseuse's Porsche.

Sex Talk

So...Jenni Bean and I were having a very interesting conversation a moment ago about marriage and other things that come with that...

Ahem. Anyway, we were laughing at something a friend said earlier today about a commercial on TV... In the commercial, a girl was lecturing a boy about using a condom so they could have sex in their dorm room. Our friend said something like, "I will never have sex in a dorm room. It's so awkward. I tried it." Naturally, we cracked up (but not with drugs).

So, reflecting on this earlier conversation, we talked about how at normal colleges it wouldn't be weird to walk in on two people...in a dorm...using a condom... Jenni Bean said you could just put a sock or a tie on your door...

Then she asked what I would do if I came home and there was a sock on my door. My response? I would think my roommate was doing laundry.

Only at BYU.

Back in town

After a long drive, we made it to Utah. Jenni Bean and I unloaded the car and then decided to play. First I went to visit AtP at work, where he gave me one of his fabulous hugs that I love so much and then spilled the latest stories. We didn't finish visiting though--sorry love, I'll buy you lunch--because the Masseuse was at my apartment with some peoples that wanted to see a movie. So I went home to meet up with him, Jenni Bean, and the two boys that claimed to be the Masseuse's neighbors.

We saw Ocean's 13, which felt incredibly long and slow. That could have been because I was so groggy though...

It's nice to be back. I have options. I'm less restricted. I know more people and more places. There are more boys. It's college life, and I've missed it.

I'm getting anxious. All I want to do is return to Provo. I feel like there's so much waiting for me--friends, a bigger room, and the possibility of meeting new people and starting new things. I feel stagnant here, and tired, and I guess a little bit...sad. There's too much time to think. I'm moving on, but it still hurts. And I'm sure it will continue to hurt for a while.

I really am doing well. Jenni Bean (I think I'll call her that from now on instead of Fat Walrus) arrived yesterday. We went to the beach with Pinky (not from Mr. Pinky's Hefty Hideaway) today and dug a hole. We also played in the old battlements in the hills around SF. It was great fun, but we decided we need guys next time so we won't be so afraid to explore the battlements.

We hung out with MegaMuffin and watched Arrested Development, then Jenni Bean and I went shopping. Now we're watching Dennis the Menace. Meh, it's all right. Not as good as I remember.

*Shrug* So I'm having fun, and I definitely will miss California like crazy, but I'm so excited to get back to Provo and all you peoples that I love.

PS--I totally want to go to the Evergreen Conference and I better see all of you there!!!

Conversation

I talked to Boy for a couple hours last night.

All my questions were answered. I let him know how I had felt, how I do feel... I hurt him too, which was strangely comforting. It's nice to know I wasn't the only one who had a rough week.

I tried to be nice, but he insisted I hold nothing back. I occasionally made snide comments, but I think we did a good job of being grownups. We talked about exactly what had happened, what mistakes were made, and what misunderstandings there were.

Both of us still want to be friends even though the romance is over. Things are going to be a lot different. I told him I don't want to see him for a while; I need to get into the swing of things in Provo, get back on my feet, heal a little bit. I'll know when I'm ready to see him.

I still have regrets about the whole situation, but they aren't worth dwelling on. I'm still hurt and a little bit angry about what happened; I just need time. Sometimes things happen that just can't be repaired--we can't go back in time and change our actions--and we have to just let it go. Boy knows he was a jerk, he understands that I'm mad, but he can't change what happened or how he feels. And I can't keep harboring resentment. He's done all he can to resolve things with me, now it's just a matter of me moving on.

I'm still a little tender. I just need time. Going back to Provo is going to be good for me.

Oh, and I appreciate all of you that were protective of me--AtP you cracked me up last night--but I don't want to hold on to resentment. I'm really grateful for all the support I was given, but be nice to Boy. It's time to forgive and forget and move on.

Plus I got my hair cut and colored yesterday and I look dead sexy. So which of you Moho's will be taking me on a date first? :)

Contact

Boy and I just chatted online.

I intend on pumping him for info later (he was at work and couldn't really talk). Apparently his deleting of me on Facebook was in response to a post on my private blog where I told him to "get the hell off this blog." He took it to mean I never wanted to talk to him again. A valid response, I suppose.

I apologized for my anger on that post--it was a gut reaction and I let the anger do all the talking. I let him know I do not in fact want to cut off our friendship but that I do have some questions for him.

It was nice to hear he was depressed about deleting me on Facebook. He said it was really hard to do. I'm glad it wasn't as easy as it looked.

He still owes me a huge explanation. It better be good.

Also, I'm way too nice.

Strength

The benefit ended last night, and it gave me an incredible boost. I was actually a little be sad to leave all the wonderful people that I love so much and won't be seeing again for several months. Puccini promised to call me this week though so hopefully I will get to see him again before I leave.

I felt very strong on the drive home, and it didn't hurt as much to think about the Boy situation. I was able to think about it very clearly and that gave me more strength--to think that I am getting better, that I am beating pain and hurt.

Though I desperately needed sleep, I got online. PaperTowel was on, and I hadn't talked to him for a while. I decided to tell him about the Boy situation because he knew nothing about it and he's going to be living with Boy this year. So I explained what had happened and how I felt. He was very understanding and sympathetic. It felt good to tell him everything. He promised we would secretly hang out sometime (his girlfriend doesn't like me either, so I doubt I'll be seeing much of him) and I went to bed feeling more confident than I have in over a week.

Church was nice, even though I can't say I was fully attentive. I did get some good things out of the talks and lessons though and I didn't complete botch the song I played in Sacrament meeting. Charlene came and was supportive too so it ended up being a lovely service.

I just talked to Fat Walrus on the phone and we had many laughs about the stupid things we did last semester and the cool people we are excited to see again. I'm feeling lighthearted. I had planned to take a nap today to waste time but now I don't need to. I'm feeling stronger, and although I'm sad about Boy, I know it will get better.

And now back to watching Rush Hour 2 with Dad. Ha.

I finished eating my cereal this morning just in time to notice it expired almost two months ago. It took me a moment to figure it out though because I couldn't remember what year it is.

It was then that I fully realized I'm more messed up than I've been admitting. Don't get me wrong--things certainly could be worse. But all the anger has gone and I'm just left with a gnawing sadness. I can forget it for small periods of time, and sleeping is much easier than it should be, but waking up in the morning just gets tougher and tougher. Another day. I'm surprised I actually did my hair and makeup today.

Another thing I realized is that the romantic aspect of this mess is bothering me a bit. I meant it when I said I'm okay being single; the problem is I'm not okay with him being taken by someone that isn't me. I miss the way things used to be with him and I, but apparently he's doing well having fun with some other girl.

And no email yet. It's only been a day though. I should give it at least three days before I worry.
I'm hoping things will resolve themselves when I get back to Provo when I can get back into my normal, busy life (read: when I can flirt with guys in my ward and classes, make new friends, and hang with my old friends).

Only one more week. One more week and I'll be busy with things to do instead of sitting around here feeling sick to my stomach.

Though I was dreading the two concerts this weekend, I've been extremely grateful for them.

My night and Nickelodeon

The concert went really well. I did much better with nerves than usual. I was slightly nervous at the beginning of the Debussy, but it got better and I made it through unscathed. I don't get nervous accompanying Puccini--somehow performing with another person comforts me--so we did really well. I love playing piano for him. He's very professional, has an amazing voice, and is so much fun to work with. We have a really great connection and know how to follow each other. There's something very personal about performing on that level with another person; it's incredible. I really missed that when I was in Provo, and I'm sure I will again. I adore Puccini.

There was a lot of socializing afterwards. IncrediblyNiceCouple (who I had met a couple times before but couldn't remember their names) were there. They remembered me and greeted me with hugs and compliments. Ex-Mayor and Wife were there--they went to Europe with Puccini and I, along with some old Sylvan Singers. Unfortunately they like to talk a lot and they are dreadfully odd, so many of us were trying to avoid them. Puccini somehow managed to escape and left me alone with them. Eventually I was free, so I greeted some of the parents I knew. I later got stuck with Ex-Mayor again for an even longer period of time, and I was afraid to leave him because he looked like he was going to touch the harp (that idea frightens me a lot). I finally scooched him away and escaped. Things died down and I was able to put the harp away and leave.

I went straight for my laptop when I got home, but there was no response from Boy. Of course, it has only been a few hours since I sent the email so I'm not worried yet.

You know, I was thinking about old Nickelodeon shows today. That channel used to be all I watched--Rugrats, Kenan and Kell, All That, Figure it Out, Hey Arnold, Rocket Power, Gulla Gulla Island, Pete and Pete, The Wonder Years, Rocko's Modern Life, Doug, Ah Real Monsters--that channel was off da heazy! And now the only good show is Fairly Oddparents. It's so disappointing. Really. Those old cartoons were especially amazing. I wonder if I could find some of them on DVD...Hmm...

Garage sale tomorrow. Ick. I hate garage sales. Especially since this time I have nothing to sell so I'll be making no money. Maybe I should feign illness. Hmm (again)...

schmanana

Bah I've been so serious lately on this blog. All this nonsense with Boy. I went and read some other blogs, which made me feel like I'm being petty; all your problems seem so much more serious and you all seem to handle them so maturely... I feel like a complainer.

Then I read Original Mohomie's blog about potato salad and was glad for the laugh. I'm tired of being serious. So I'm taking a break from it for the rest of the day.

It shouldn't be too hard--I have a concert tonight with a bunch of old choir buddies. Puccini and his brothers are hilarious, as is Lafawnduh, who makes me wish there were more black people in Provo. Then there's Pedicure, who I have no trouble having fun with, even though we were never close in high school.

I suppose I should get ready for this concert. I look awful. Ha.

Two and a half more days until I get my hair cut. Four more days until Fat Walrus gets here. Eight more days until I'm back in Provo. So excited.

Decision

I woke up this morning with the same feeling I had last night--an aching in my stomach that has nothing to do with what I ate. I showered and threw on some clothes, not bothering to do my hair, and started reading. It didn't take me long to discover that the more I read, the more I was able to ignore my stomach. So I kept reading.

It wasn't until 3:00 pm that I decided I needed to do something else. I was avoiding getting online because I knew I would have to think about everything again and decided if I was going to email him. Bracing myself, I got online, checked my Facebook, and finally checked my email.

There was an email from LDSLiving or something that informed me of the death of James E. Faust. And for a moment I was wrenched back into the real world, remembering that life isn't merely confined to this house and my thoughts. I felt sad about it, but I knew it was just his time to go. The death of a general authority isn't something I think of as random--I figured God just had some other things in mind for President Faust.

These thoughts were comforting and strengthening to me for some reason, and after reading an email from Fat Walrus (which I think is a much better blog name than Jenn-Jenn-A-Rooski), I made my decision. If I didn't email him, I would always wonder if I should have, and it would drive me crazy forever.

So I did it. It felt surprisingly good to have made a decision, and I pressed the send button with confidence. I guess I'm a little nervous about the answer--if one comes at all--but at least I can say I tried.

Now what? Ha. I'm typing this blog and wondering if I should go back to reading. After beating Guitar Hero, there's nothing to do around here...

Three days after...?

I've been doing really well. The anger has died down to a low annoyance level. Unfortunately, the sadness started to set in.

I really am beyond the romantic sadness. I meant it when I said I'm fine being single, especially since he and I weren't officially dating. What bothers me is that he didn't even attempt to salvage our friendship. He didn't ask if we could still be friends. He didn't ask if he could still call me sometime. I mean, even before there was any romance, we had so much fun together. We hung out a lot. And suddenly, that's worth absolutely nothing to him at all.

It hurts that we lost what I thought was a great friendship. He even deleted me and our photo album from Facebook. I've been cut off, thrown out of his life like an old shoe.

All I want is to know that he's a little bit sad too. Then it would at least seem like it was worth it.

I thought about sending him an email. Just to voice my thoughts and ask for his. I don't know if he would actually respond, or what his response would be. But it's killing me thinking that all those good times weren't really good, that they were all fake and just a waste of time.

But then I'm afraid I'll regret emailing him. Maybe he'll just hurt me more. Or maybe he'll apologize and I'll crumble and let him get off easy.

This just hurts.

The day after

The day after is always the hardest.

It was tough this morning but I went to work because I didn't want to explain to my parents why I was feeling sick to my stomach. I was put on Podium (tearing tickets and pointing people in the direction of their theaters) which is usually the absolute most boring job there is. So I began formulating plans to go home sick. But I was too stubborn. Why should I let some stupid boy's actions upset the normal flow of my life? He's not worth it. I control my life, and I control my happiness.

So I stayed at work. And you know what, I had a fabulous day. The managers kept having me do random jobs which kept me occupied, and--this is so nerdy, I know, but I just can't help it sometimes--I worked out the entire unit circle on my movie schedule. I needed to review it anyway, and I soon found that after a couple of hours I was in a really good mood.

Handsome came to see a movie and we chatted for a while. Some random old lady kept asking my where a whole bunch of different movies, "just in case I don't like the one I'm going to." I refused to give her the theater numbers so she could movie-hop (we kick people out for that), and she got all huffy and said she wasn't coming to Brenden anymore. Ha. Yeah right. We're the only movie theater in Vacaville. And who wants to go to the one in Fairfield? Handsome and I had a good chuckle about it.

I laughed later too when an old lady informed me that the women's bathroom was a "disgrace." A disgrace to what, I wondered. I can only imagine.

Just before I left, a manager informed me that last Saturday I sold the more combos than anyone else. She presented me with a free movie pass, which is nice because even though I get to see movies for free, I don't get to see them for free right when they come out. It just ended my workday nicely.

I came home to a tasty dinner and more laughs with Handsome, then I beat "Hangar 18" on Guitar Hero, a song that I had been stuck on for a very long time. It also happens to be the second to last song, which means I only have one more song to beat, and then I'll have beaten the game on Expert. That's right suckas.

And now I'm watching "Arrested Development" with Handsome and his friends.

The Boy situation still makes me mad, but it's only a small part of my life. I haven't cried about this--he's not worth it. I don't need romance to make me happy. There's so much more to life. I have amazing friends and a hilarious family, I go to a good school and I have the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I'm doing well, I had a wonderful day, and I'm more excited than ever to return to Provo and see you all again.

Stephalumpagus is 100% single, and 100% fine with it.

Personality Test

I got this from the Jerman. I can't say I agree entirely with everything, but this is a pretty darn good personality test.

These are my results:

My personalDNA Report

The Native strikes again

The Native called me just after I finished that last post. We spent a good deal of time deciphering a Brazilian address that I needed, hoping that we hadn't screwed up the spelling or anything. Then he gushed out a bunch of newly-discovered dark family secrets that were utterly hilarious. Somehow we ended up talking about his money situation and he again considered the pros and cons of selling himself on a street corner. But in the end he promised to guard his carnal treasure.

And so my defiance has faded. What can I say? The man knows me.

Rough night

I woke up suddenly at 2 am with the instantaneous knowledge that the phone call I had been waiting for didn't come. I managed to fall asleep again, but my dreams were loud and fast-paced; when I woke up again around 3 am I felt more tired than I had before. It didn't help that I gave blood yesterday and my body had already been tired.

The dreams included three people--Puccini, BlueHair, and myself. All the songs we do together were running through my head at the same time, rather loudly, and all I could see was the music jumbled together. It moved much to quickly for me to keep up, but still I was being dragged through it, and it wouldn't stop. I kept waking up feeling exhausted. I curled up in as tight of a ball as I could, clutching my pillow, and pulling the covers tightly around me. I managed to clear my head for a small amount of time by mentally singing a hymn, but I don't know how long that lasted.

I must have fallen asleep eventually because my body skipped my first biological alarm and very nearly missed the second. When I woke up, I was less tired than I had expected, but I had that stressed-out feeling like I was late for something.

Now I just feel sort of defiant.

Maybe going shopping will help.